Heeb

Bad Nuts
Once in a while, even when munchin’ on, say, a bag of high-end Bazzini cashews, you’ll come across a nut that tastes a li’l fruitier than the others. Disgusting. So, who in their right mind would have the gall to sell a bag of just those heinous nuts? I tried one of those 99-cent bargain bags recently, and, of course, 100 percent fruity. What a shameful enterprise. Making a business out of purveying the most inferior nuts on a budget-conscious public.

JEFF NEWELT

The Star’s Producing Partner
You grew up with him. Or went to acting class with her. Or were the first dude he met the day before finally getting cast on the show that Changed His Life. But because your name is right next to his on the bungalow, where, from your perch, you get to piss on any and all projects that you didn’t think of, aren’t producing or don’t have any points on—you’ve somehow forgotten that he’s the talented one.
BRIAN KOPPELMAN

The WGA

I come from Russian-Jewish stock. I practically have socialism running in my veins. But when, in the wake of a nasty strike, the WGA leadership makes public the names of those who have opted out of the union and calls on the membership to “ostracize” (read: blacklist) those writers, it evokes bitter memories of the darkest and most shameful period in the union’s history. I used to be proud to belong to the WGA. No longer.
DAVID DIAMOND

Cabining
Cabining is like camping, but in little cabins. You separate from nature with paper-thin walls, have somewhere to run to when the animals get aggressive and look like a hero for working the fire pit. Would it have been too much to ask to put an air-conditioned lobby next to “Sycamore Village”? I guess I should be thanking you for putting a roof over my head and not making me sleep next to bear shit.

DAVID WEISSMAN

Celebrity Sightings
So somewhere in the West Village Maggie Gyllenhaal is feeding her baby. Thanks, Scoop, but don’t babies need food to grow? Enough already. The fact that Parker Posey and Chloe Sevigny often smoke cigarettes on an East Village stoop (sometimes accompanied by Posey’s dog!) is about as newsworthy as whiskey dick on prom night. And the idea that Natalie Portman dances amongst us mortals at weekly shows at the Bowery Ballroom is almost more than I can bear!

KAREN BOOKATZ

Cupcakes
Must all our pleasures now be “luxe”? The humble iced cupcake used to give a cheap but satisfying thrill. No more. It’s had a grotesque and pricey makeover. Icing’s out, replaced by a thick, damp gob of buttercream. It sits like an absurd, top-heavy bonnet atop the squat and dowdy cake. And you just spent two bucks for a mouthful of greasy frosting on a squishy little puck. Happy?

JAIME WOLF

Mediabistro.com
Why don’t you ask my former intern, the one who used to fetch me lattes, to conduct a behind-the-scenes report on Heeb and fail to disclose in her “report” that she was, in fact, Heeb’s former stamp-licker? Seriously, how low can you go? You’re getting a lecture on journalistic integrity from a magazine whose editorial board holds brainstorming sessions about how to sell Gold’s horseradish. By the way, have you tried their wasabi sauce with ginger? Gold’s is putting the “JAP” back into Japanese.

JOSHUA NEUMAN

Diablo Cody’s Tattoo
Am I the only one or does Diablo Cody’s tattoo totally suck? That inking of a bound pin-up girl in a bikini looks like the decal that some Bridge & Tunnel chick would buy for $9.99 at Ricky’s. Entertainment editors were in a tizzy when the Juno screenwriter inscribed a bright red patch of roses over “Jonny’s Girl,” but where’s the brouhaha over the fact that the tattoo sucked in the first place?

KARA FRIEDMAN
TENAFLY, NJ
(READER SUBMITTED)

Send your 75-word complaints to us at kvetch@heebmagazine.com and we’ll print the best one in our next issue.