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Getting groupies is not hard, but it is a nuanced game—somewhere between charades, capture the flag and drunken strip chess: It’s fun, but you could get hurt and break your dick. Navigating this world of groupies can seem deceptively simple, until you get a call from a girl in Milwaukee named Mike who claims she’s having your baby. Be careful.

What exactly is a groupie? Well, it’s someone who likes to belong to a group. Some younger readers might think a group is a bunch of people on Facebook who all like Donnie Darko. That’s true, but there’s also another kind of group—a group of 18-and-up-year-old girls who want to have sex with musicians and celebrities who they like. Why? So they can tell their grandkids a story, one that forces these innocent grandkids to imagine their grandparents on all fours in a Westin Hotel doing stuff they’ve only seen hinted at in spam e-mails. Since the Beatles came on the scene in 1964, women stopped listening to their parents and started listening to a little voice in their vaginas that smoked a lot of marijuana. This brief guide helps you understand that voice.

A groupie is like a source of nutrition—obviously you can have a vegan energy bar from Trader Joe’s, but wouldn’t you much rather have a Cobb salad and lentil soup (not the best example, sorry)? There are a lot of pitfalls and first-time mistakes: from catching the mind-destroyer syphilis to allowing a lunatic to fall in love with you (and having her constantly send you awkward texts complaining about some drunk friend of hers). These are just a
few of the dangers. The reward? The possibility of having so many three-ways that you end up in the Guinness Book of World Records for having your dick disappear in a puff of sensual smoke from how much fucking you’re doing.

The first thing you need to do is decide what kind of groupies you want. There are three basic kinds: “Trashy ’80s-Type Groupie,” “Crybaby Iron and Wine Groupie” and “Account Manager Letting Go For One Night Groupie.” (Some groupies are shades of all three. NEVER hook up with a Trashy Crybaby.)

For those of you who are constantly traveling, super busy or overwhelmed with daily tasks and don’t have time to take my full three-month course on groupies, which I teach in the basement of constantly rotating Pizzeria Unos (can’t stop someone you can’t catch, right Pizzeria Uno?), here are several quick tips for getting groupies and staying safe:

1. Have someone go into the audience and ask cute girls if they’d like to come backstage to have some bottled water, deli meats and to listen to people talk about their childhoods. Who wouldn’t?
2. Once you’ve done an encore, start crying and then go, “I have nowhere to stay.”
3. If you invite a groupie back to your hotel, make her sign a release—just in case you do kinky Fear Factor stuff. If she falls off the desk or a harness breaks, she’ll be responsible, not you. Plus you could put out a DVD later.
4. Never give a groupie your number. Unless you like her. Then give her your number.
5. Always rent a second hotel room, so you can politely offer a place to crash: “I normally rent a second room for my dick, but tonight you can stay there."

Good luck. Stay safe and have fun.

Ed Note: If you are so pathetic you don’t even know where to begin when it comes to garnering groupies, you can start by cribbing Eugene’s Craigslist ad:

New York Craigslist > Men Seeking Women > GROUPIES WANTED: Looking for groupies for a photo shoot. A chance to meet and sit next to a very minor TV personality. It is okay if you are a little crazy, but less crazy is better. This will not lead to anything on VH1. No fighting, biting, pooping on yourself. Bookworms welcome.