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Heeb Issue #12 : Urban KvetchUrban Kvetch
Mike Mussina, Al-Qaida Video Footage, Flaunt Magazine and More!
People Who Tell You Their Dreams
So you dreamt you were underneath the Eiffel Tower wearing a wedding dress and holding a key in your hand. And now you’re asking me what I think it means. I think it means you’re a self-centered squeeb with too much time on her hands. Why do you think that something that only happens in your head would be of any interest to me? I barely give a shit about my own dreams.
SETH OLENICK
New York Times Columnist Deborah Solomon
Grouchy journalism, thy name is Deborah Solomon. I’m all for writers having their own voice, but Solomon’s interview style is akin to that of an angry heckler sitting in a movie theater, shouting out commentary. Her own biases are so evident that the reader learns nothing about the interview subject; it leaves me crumpling the page and wanting to shout, “Would the person in the front row please sit down so we can see what’s on the screen?!”
MACKENZIE DAWSON
Al-Qaida Video Footage
We need to do a better job demonizing the enemy. When you see footage from al-Qaida training camps they’re doing something utterly un-scary, like jumping jacks or climbing some sort of primitive jungle gym. Those images don’t communicate the most sinister people in the world—they communicate my sixth-grade gym teacher, Mr. McHenry. What possible form of international terrorism does a set of monkey bars prepare them for? Somebody find a video of bin Laden strangling a kitten or something.
THE GRAND CONSPIRATOR
Five Minutes Away
Where do you get the nerve to tell me that you’re only “five minutes away” when you already told me you were “five minutes away” 15 minutes ago? Can you at least tell me how much longer you’ll be five minutes away? If I had known what you meant the first time, I’d have rented a movie or something. Seriously, tell me when you’re four minutes away so I can finish up that novel I’ve always been meaning to write.
JOSHUA NEUMAN
Flaunt Magazine
We were actually kind of flattered when we heard about your Jewish Issue—after all, we’ve been giving the lowdown on the hoedown between Jewish and popular cultures for the past five years. Then we took a look at what you came up with: Sarah Silverman, the Beastie Boys, Kinky Friedman… hmmm, that sounds familiar. You could’ve at least acknowledged us in your masthead. Next time, why don’t you just call it the No Vaseline Issue?
ADAM BARUCHOWITZ
Mike Mussina
The Yankees signed Mike Mussina for $88.5 million five years ago. Now, they’ve extended his contract for two more years at $22.5 million. Somehow Alex Rodriguez has come to symbolize George Steinbrenner’s evil empire excesses, while this guy gets off the hook. At least A-Rod comes through when the game isn’t on the line. Meanwhile, Mussina continues to compile crossword puzzles and earn run averages in the mid-fours. Hey, Mike I think I know 36 across: It’s “You suck.”
BASEBALL TRIVIA WHIZ-KID ANDREW SCHALL
Guys Who Put Their Hand On Your Back As They Pass In A Crowded Party
This party is packed and it’s hard to get over to the bar, so I know just what you should do: Take your sweaty paw and touch the magic little button on the small of my back that miraculously clears a passageway through the crowd. No, the magic wouldn’t work if you tried it on the two guys standing next to me. Or any girl who you haven’t been leering at from across the room for the past hour and a half.
REBECCA WIENER
Giving A Sandwich To A Homeless Guy
How generous of you to offer that homeless guy the crappy half-eaten sandwich rolled up in foil at the bottom of your $595 Coach leather duffel bag. I can’t imagine why they turn down your offer “90 percent of the time”—probably, as you speculate, because they only want money for alcohol and drugs. Not because you have a canker sore at the corner of your mouth the size of a Swedish meatball or anything like that.
YID VICIOUS
Send your 75-word complaints to us at kvetch@heebmagazine.com and we’ll print the best one in our next issue.
So you dreamt you were underneath the Eiffel Tower wearing a wedding dress and holding a key in your hand. And now you’re asking me what I think it means. I think it means you’re a self-centered squeeb with too much time on her hands. Why do you think that something that only happens in your head would be of any interest to me? I barely give a shit about my own dreams.
SETH OLENICK
New York Times Columnist Deborah Solomon
Grouchy journalism, thy name is Deborah Solomon. I’m all for writers having their own voice, but Solomon’s interview style is akin to that of an angry heckler sitting in a movie theater, shouting out commentary. Her own biases are so evident that the reader learns nothing about the interview subject; it leaves me crumpling the page and wanting to shout, “Would the person in the front row please sit down so we can see what’s on the screen?!”
MACKENZIE DAWSON
Al-Qaida Video Footage
We need to do a better job demonizing the enemy. When you see footage from al-Qaida training camps they’re doing something utterly un-scary, like jumping jacks or climbing some sort of primitive jungle gym. Those images don’t communicate the most sinister people in the world—they communicate my sixth-grade gym teacher, Mr. McHenry. What possible form of international terrorism does a set of monkey bars prepare them for? Somebody find a video of bin Laden strangling a kitten or something.
THE GRAND CONSPIRATOR
Five Minutes Away
Where do you get the nerve to tell me that you’re only “five minutes away” when you already told me you were “five minutes away” 15 minutes ago? Can you at least tell me how much longer you’ll be five minutes away? If I had known what you meant the first time, I’d have rented a movie or something. Seriously, tell me when you’re four minutes away so I can finish up that novel I’ve always been meaning to write.
JOSHUA NEUMAN
Flaunt Magazine
We were actually kind of flattered when we heard about your Jewish Issue—after all, we’ve been giving the lowdown on the hoedown between Jewish and popular cultures for the past five years. Then we took a look at what you came up with: Sarah Silverman, the Beastie Boys, Kinky Friedman… hmmm, that sounds familiar. You could’ve at least acknowledged us in your masthead. Next time, why don’t you just call it the No Vaseline Issue?
ADAM BARUCHOWITZ
Mike Mussina
The Yankees signed Mike Mussina for $88.5 million five years ago. Now, they’ve extended his contract for two more years at $22.5 million. Somehow Alex Rodriguez has come to symbolize George Steinbrenner’s evil empire excesses, while this guy gets off the hook. At least A-Rod comes through when the game isn’t on the line. Meanwhile, Mussina continues to compile crossword puzzles and earn run averages in the mid-fours. Hey, Mike I think I know 36 across: It’s “You suck.”
BASEBALL TRIVIA WHIZ-KID ANDREW SCHALL
Guys Who Put Their Hand On Your Back As They Pass In A Crowded Party
This party is packed and it’s hard to get over to the bar, so I know just what you should do: Take your sweaty paw and touch the magic little button on the small of my back that miraculously clears a passageway through the crowd. No, the magic wouldn’t work if you tried it on the two guys standing next to me. Or any girl who you haven’t been leering at from across the room for the past hour and a half.
REBECCA WIENER
Giving A Sandwich To A Homeless Guy
How generous of you to offer that homeless guy the crappy half-eaten sandwich rolled up in foil at the bottom of your $595 Coach leather duffel bag. I can’t imagine why they turn down your offer “90 percent of the time”—probably, as you speculate, because they only want money for alcohol and drugs. Not because you have a canker sore at the corner of your mouth the size of a Swedish meatball or anything like that.
YID VICIOUS
Send your 75-word complaints to us at kvetch@heebmagazine.com and we’ll print the best one in our next issue.
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