Heeb

The Eskimos may have 400 names for snow, but the Germans have roughly 1,200 varieties of sausage that they call “wurst.” A staple of the German diet, wurst is often served with spicy mustard, sauerkraut and beer, each of which brings out its diverse and intricate flavors. But if you’re not of German heritage, it can be a formidable challenge to pick out the best, well, wurst. With that in mind, we gave five of these savory meats to Heeb’s favorite porn star and de facto sausage expert, Joanna Angel, to find out which wursts are worth purchasing and which will leave you wishing you had played it safe with Hebrew Nationals.   

Smoked Bratwurst

Available from Mattern Sausage Inc. (Orange, California) $4.98/Sausage

When I first tried the smoked brat, I was immediately struck by its verticality. Its curved shape was good for hitting my G-spot and, because it has a smooth surface, it was also great in my ass. Just be cautious if, like me, you plan on inserting the full length of the smoked bratwurst. At its end, where the casing is tied off, the sausage can be prickly and therefore a bit painful.   

Frankfurter Wieners

Available from Van Nuys German Deli (Van Nuys, California) $2.30/pair

These no-fuss frankfurters are sold linked together in pairs, which allows for the fun possibility of using them—like a double-dong dildo—to masturbate simultaneously with a friend. The only problem is that while most double-dongs are one long piece, the frankfurters have a break in the middle where the two links are joined. This means that if you and your partner are playing around and one of you wants a little more and one of you wants a little less, it’s very difficult to adjust. The frankfurters were also a little thin for my taste, but I would still recommend them for a new lesbian couple to share—it’s very democratic and the size is good for beginners.  

Available from Euroguild.com $4.49/sausage

The teawurst is actually more similar to a pâté than a normal sausage, so if you are going to use it to pleasure yourself it’s important that you leave it inside the plastic wrapper. If the wrapper is removed, it will immediately become an amorphous blob, which, if put inside you, could result in a nasty infection. Because of its shape, I do not recommend using the teawurst vaginally, but its wide girth makes for a really great butt plug. I suggest using it in your ass while fucking your pussy with the bloodwurst.  

Meica Brand German Sausages (preserved in brine water) Available from Europacificimports.com
$14.60/bottle

After getting in the mood, I grabbed the jar and opened it. I once had sex with a German man who hadn’t showered for several days. The odor that came out of this jar made the scent of that kraut seem like lilacs. The good news is that there are eight sausages in the jar, which is great if you want to have a few friends over and fill up all your holes. Just wash the sausages beforehand and no one will know how awful they smell.  

Bloodwurst
Available from Van Nuys German Deli (Van Nuys, California)
$9.20/sausage

As its name suggests, the bloodwurst or “bloodring,” is made from the blood (and lard) of a pig. This richly flavored wurst is usually served fried with potatoes, although some hardcore Germans will eat the bloodwurst without even heating it. Sexually, I have to say this was my favorite. Its girth, length and shape make for what I found to be an amazing double-dong. Or, if you’re feeling a little more selfabsorbed, the bloodwurst can make for a really crazy ride for one.

Watch Joanna Angel select the winning wiener.