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Heeb Issue #22 : Bible StudiesDeath Becomes Him
Dr. Jonathan Katz Plans His Own Shiva
Passing away is inevitable, but for Dr. Jonathan Katz (who is old and suffering from MS) it’s probably coming sooner than later. Which is why we turned to him to imagine the ideal shiva. Instead of 10 men he never really liked saying Kaddish, here is how he’d rather see things play out as he watches from the hereafter.
1. Hire some kid to record the first night of my Shiva (just the audio) and make sure the he hits record. All the crying and wailing will make a great soundtrack reel for future Halloween parties.
2. Put out a nice spread. Nothing says dead like a really yummy spread. Arrange the cold cuts on top of my coffin. That way everyone will think of me with each bite.
3. Stow my Nazi memorabilia in a safe place during the ceremony—or at least make sure that it’s out of sight of the mourners (maybe bury it in the backyard with my porno from the ’50s?).
4. The same goes for my collection of vintage Jack-In-The-Boxes. Those tend to make people uneasy.
5. Think about the music. Maybe compose a playlist of songs that have made me the man I was. That’s a great name for a song, “THE MAN I WAS”… by Michael Buble.
6. Get toilet paper for the guest bathroom.
7. Try and discourage any speculation about the reason for my demise.
8. Don’t invite anyone who thinks they know the right thing to say at a time like this.
9. This could be my last chance to stage a comeback for leather ties. Procure one for me. Make sure that it’s black. Some people think I look good in black.
10. My tombstone should say: “HERE LIES JONATHAN KATZ, LOVING FATHER, LOVING HUSBAND, LOVING BROTHER AND LOVING SON, ALSO ON THE WEB @ JONATHANKATZ.COM.”
1. Hire some kid to record the first night of my Shiva (just the audio) and make sure the he hits record. All the crying and wailing will make a great soundtrack reel for future Halloween parties.
2. Put out a nice spread. Nothing says dead like a really yummy spread. Arrange the cold cuts on top of my coffin. That way everyone will think of me with each bite.
3. Stow my Nazi memorabilia in a safe place during the ceremony—or at least make sure that it’s out of sight of the mourners (maybe bury it in the backyard with my porno from the ’50s?).
4. The same goes for my collection of vintage Jack-In-The-Boxes. Those tend to make people uneasy.
5. Think about the music. Maybe compose a playlist of songs that have made me the man I was. That’s a great name for a song, “THE MAN I WAS”… by Michael Buble.
6. Get toilet paper for the guest bathroom.
7. Try and discourage any speculation about the reason for my demise.
8. Don’t invite anyone who thinks they know the right thing to say at a time like this.
9. This could be my last chance to stage a comeback for leather ties. Procure one for me. Make sure that it’s black. Some people think I look good in black.
10. My tombstone should say: “HERE LIES JONATHAN KATZ, LOVING FATHER, LOVING HUSBAND, LOVING BROTHER AND LOVING SON, ALSO ON THE WEB @ JONATHANKATZ.COM.”
comments
submit a comment10.30.09 at 10:10 pm
The thought of a world without Jonathan Katz moves me to tears.
11.23.09 at 10:11 pm
Heeb is losing its focus and getting boring.
12.22.09 at 4:12 am
Thats a nice story. I found it very intresting.
03.04.10 at 7:03 pm
Dear Dr. Katz,
Your humor has brought so much to so many people. I feel that I was raised by Dr. Katz, when I wasn’t in my regular therapy, thank you so much for all of those great years.
Alexandra Bevin Cohen
03.09.10 at 2:03 am
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