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Heeb Issue #22 : Chai TimesChai Times with Professor Irwin Corey
Irwin Corey, 95, is sitting at his kitchen table holding a metal pipe clogged with resin that’s probably been there since the Truman administration. For more than 60 years, Corey has been performing as “Professor” Irwin Corey, an addled academic who spouts streams of inspired nonsense. Dubbed “one of the most brilliant comedians of all time” by Lenny Bruce, Corey certainly has a lot of wisdom to impart—even after his pipe is clear and his mind is clouded.
“Sex! When you’re having the enjoyment and you’re under the influence, two minutes seems like 15.”
“I used to write national anthems. And one national anthem I wrote was, ‘Your Land Was My Land.’ I sold it to Israel.”
“When I was maybe about 16, my grandfather came to live with us. He had asthma and we used to get this thing for him called Asthma-dor. It contained belladonna and cannabis. So he smoked this shit. I was on a high ever since.”
“I’ll tell you something about marijuana and the difference between marijuana and alcohol. Alcohol, when you drink it, you become violent. Smoke marijuana? Docile. Some people, it has a different effect, but on the average, you become more cautious.”
“My daughter was murdered by her husband. But it’s all right. I’m not going to have him murdered—I’m going to have him blinded. I have a guy in Chicago who, for two dollars, will do anything for me.”
“I once called [comedian] Sophie Tucker a fat pig. She was. I said she’s such a fat pig— she doesn’t even wear a girdle. She has warts and she hooks her stockings on her warts.”
“Fidel Castro Ruz—‘R-U-Z-‘ is a Sephardic Jewish name. His mother was Jewish.”
“God gave China a whole continent and he gave the Jews a shitty piece of land! The Jews are lousy real estate agents.”
“They put the Japanese in concentration camps during WWII. You know why they didn’t put the Germans in camps when the Germans declared war on the U.S.? Because there are 60 million fucking Germans in the U.S. You couldn’t put them all in jail.”
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03.13.10 at 11:03 am
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03.15.10 at 9:03 am
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