mag
Heeb Issue #7 : Urban KvetchUrban Kvetch
Gardens in Brooklyn, Jimmy Fallon, Homies and more
Gardens in Brooklyn
People from Brooklyn always want to show you their gardens. “I could never afford this garden in Manhattan,” they tell me. Come on. Your garden is three square feet. You can’t fit four tomatoes in your garden. A dog took a crap in your garden and an ant stuck a flag in it. I’ve eaten salads bigger than your garden. Photosynthesis is an unproven theory in your garden! Your garden is a piece of shit.
YID VICIOUS
Jimmy Fallon
After six agonizing seasons, SNL is finally free of that unfunny frat boy whose greatest contributions to the show were “ironically” bad hair and laughing at his own jokes. Okay, the guy’s cute, and cute guys don’t usually do comedy, but is that enough reason to let him share the spotlight with the brilliant Tina Fey? To showcase his sub-Sandler song parodies or excruciating Wayne’s World web cam skits? Here’s hoping his post-SNL career lives up to Rob Schneider’s.
EMILY FROMM
Anti-anti smokers
Smokers are bad enough. But even worse are the vociferous groups (sometimes nonsmokers themselves!) that brand efforts to limit smoking as “fascist.” As long as I have to breathe your secondhand smoke in public places, this is not a First Amendment issue. And don’t call my train of thought “Orwellian.” Just for a second, entertain the thought that Big Tobacco might have more in common with Big Brother than I do, douche bag.
JOSHUA NEUMAN
JDate
The Internet ad reads: “760,424 blue-eyed women at JDate.com and counting,” and another tallies green-eyed men. Is JDate encouraging us to JHate? Of course lots of Jews are light as can be. But with the stigma on the dark-complexioned putting us at odds with our swarthy Semitic selves, JDate ads offer a disturbing and all-too-familiar escape. Here you can find someone who’s Jewish, but not, you know, too Jewish, not Jewish like that.
GUY AUSTRIAN
Faux Mitzvahs
What’s the average American kid to do when his/her Jewish counterparts are having the bar/bat mitzvahs of the century? Have their parents throw a faux mitzvah—a large party with all the fancy trimmings, sans Torah time. Instead, just a bunch of adolescents doing the electric slide, eating pigs in a blanket and making out in the coatroom. God forbid this is the start of a larger trend. What’s next: faux brises?
JESS FIRGER
Schnorrer’s at Yonah Schimmel’s Knishery
For crying out loud, this is like trying to win at three card monty. The house wins every time. Schimmel’s has been here since 1910. Do you really think that you are the first cheap Jew to walk into this place who’s schemed up a way to avoid tax and tip? When they say table service is “waiter service only,” they mean it. Don’t bother fighting. There is no recourse, no negotiation. You said it was “to go,” now go!
JAY EISENBERG
Homies
David Gonzalez says he created these one-inch tall plastic figurines with names such as “Big Vato,” “Dr. Bomba” and “El Grumpy” out of love, and we can only imagine that it was for the same reason that he created Palermos, a New York crime family with names like “Rocko the Trashman,” “No Problem Paulie” and “Rico the Rat.” Hey Dave, show us some love. Why not the “Heebies?” I can see it now: For just two quarters in the gumball machine you can roll with “Sruli the Stoolie,” “Yitz Kosher” or “Big Yudl.”
KRAZY KATZ
The New York Post
Jane Jacobs recently returned to New York to promote her new book, and while most greeted her visit with the affection she deserves, the New York Post was strangely silent. That’s right, the same paper that had been a fierce ally in her successful war against the scheduled demolition of the Lower East Side, Village, and SoHo for an ill-conceived expressway. Why not disassociate yourself from your founder, Alexander Hamilton, while you’re at it?
DAVID KELSEY
Over-eager busboys
“Get away from our plates!” We don’t care if there are only morsels left. You know, in many places in the world it’s actually bad manners for a busboy to lurk and wait to snatch up your plate the second you’re done. Maybe some Americans can’t stand looking at their supersized portions any longer than they have to, but these Americans don’t want to fend off predators when they’re trying to enjoy their breakfasts.
LEWIS AND JANET NEUMAN
People from Brooklyn always want to show you their gardens. “I could never afford this garden in Manhattan,” they tell me. Come on. Your garden is three square feet. You can’t fit four tomatoes in your garden. A dog took a crap in your garden and an ant stuck a flag in it. I’ve eaten salads bigger than your garden. Photosynthesis is an unproven theory in your garden! Your garden is a piece of shit.
YID VICIOUS
Jimmy Fallon
After six agonizing seasons, SNL is finally free of that unfunny frat boy whose greatest contributions to the show were “ironically” bad hair and laughing at his own jokes. Okay, the guy’s cute, and cute guys don’t usually do comedy, but is that enough reason to let him share the spotlight with the brilliant Tina Fey? To showcase his sub-Sandler song parodies or excruciating Wayne’s World web cam skits? Here’s hoping his post-SNL career lives up to Rob Schneider’s.
EMILY FROMM
Anti-anti smokers
Smokers are bad enough. But even worse are the vociferous groups (sometimes nonsmokers themselves!) that brand efforts to limit smoking as “fascist.” As long as I have to breathe your secondhand smoke in public places, this is not a First Amendment issue. And don’t call my train of thought “Orwellian.” Just for a second, entertain the thought that Big Tobacco might have more in common with Big Brother than I do, douche bag.
JOSHUA NEUMAN
JDate
The Internet ad reads: “760,424 blue-eyed women at JDate.com and counting,” and another tallies green-eyed men. Is JDate encouraging us to JHate? Of course lots of Jews are light as can be. But with the stigma on the dark-complexioned putting us at odds with our swarthy Semitic selves, JDate ads offer a disturbing and all-too-familiar escape. Here you can find someone who’s Jewish, but not, you know, too Jewish, not Jewish like that.
GUY AUSTRIAN
Faux Mitzvahs
What’s the average American kid to do when his/her Jewish counterparts are having the bar/bat mitzvahs of the century? Have their parents throw a faux mitzvah—a large party with all the fancy trimmings, sans Torah time. Instead, just a bunch of adolescents doing the electric slide, eating pigs in a blanket and making out in the coatroom. God forbid this is the start of a larger trend. What’s next: faux brises?
JESS FIRGER
Schnorrer’s at Yonah Schimmel’s Knishery
For crying out loud, this is like trying to win at three card monty. The house wins every time. Schimmel’s has been here since 1910. Do you really think that you are the first cheap Jew to walk into this place who’s schemed up a way to avoid tax and tip? When they say table service is “waiter service only,” they mean it. Don’t bother fighting. There is no recourse, no negotiation. You said it was “to go,” now go!
JAY EISENBERG
Homies
David Gonzalez says he created these one-inch tall plastic figurines with names such as “Big Vato,” “Dr. Bomba” and “El Grumpy” out of love, and we can only imagine that it was for the same reason that he created Palermos, a New York crime family with names like “Rocko the Trashman,” “No Problem Paulie” and “Rico the Rat.” Hey Dave, show us some love. Why not the “Heebies?” I can see it now: For just two quarters in the gumball machine you can roll with “Sruli the Stoolie,” “Yitz Kosher” or “Big Yudl.”
KRAZY KATZ
The New York Post
Jane Jacobs recently returned to New York to promote her new book, and while most greeted her visit with the affection she deserves, the New York Post was strangely silent. That’s right, the same paper that had been a fierce ally in her successful war against the scheduled demolition of the Lower East Side, Village, and SoHo for an ill-conceived expressway. Why not disassociate yourself from your founder, Alexander Hamilton, while you’re at it?
DAVID KELSEY
Over-eager busboys
“Get away from our plates!” We don’t care if there are only morsels left. You know, in many places in the world it’s actually bad manners for a busboy to lurk and wait to snatch up your plate the second you’re done. Maybe some Americans can’t stand looking at their supersized portions any longer than they have to, but these Americans don’t want to fend off predators when they’re trying to enjoy their breakfasts.
LEWIS AND JANET NEUMAN
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