mag
Heeb Issue #10 : Urban KvetchUrban Kvetch
Fleas, Cell Phone Broadcasting, Fast Food Nationalism and more
Fleas
My cats Mookie and Cleo had fleas this week. I really felt for the cats, because they had bugs biting them and shit, but I felt a lot worse for myself. Turns out a single flea can lay about 30,000 eggs, so I had to remove the pets from the premises and flea-bomb the whole apartment with a substance akin to Agent Orange. It sucked. I hope the fleas are burning in flea hell.
GIDEON EVANS
Cell Phone Broadcasting
I get annoyed when my friends call me from rock concerts and hold up their cell phones so I can hear what I’m missing. Great, there’s not enough static in the digital version I already have of “Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground” (plus my stereo doesn’t cut out during guitar solos). Thanks for thinking of me, but you’re only reminding me that I’m too broke to be there myself. I’m trying to watch Lost, so tell Jack White I’ll call him back, okay?
CRAIG BALDO
Fast Food Nationalism
If you read Fast Food Nation or have seen Super Size Me, I want to give you a tip: Don’t talk to me about it over fast food. I just want to eat my burger. I don’t care about the rat feces inside it or how the cow was executed to make it. The fact that I’m in a fast food restaurant already says, “I’ve given up on my health,” so just let me to enjoy my maggot bacon cheeseburger in peace.
PAUL SCHEER
iPod Shuffling
My friend claims that her iPod changed her life. How? “Well I just set it on shuffle and it selects the songs for me.” What hell was your life before that that’s all it took to improve it? What if you get stuck with a playlist like: Black Eyed Peas, Ja Rule and Sergei Rachmaninov? That wouldn’t put me in a great mood. That would annoy me. Whatever happened to free will? What’s next, letting a waitress pick your food? Here ya go: liver, jello, and tomato juice. Yum!
CORY KAHANEY
“Can You Make A Living With That?”
Where do you get the gall to how ask me how I support myself as an artist, you passive-aggressive fuck? Do you mean to imply that it is inconceivable that I would be able to pay the rent with my art? And why doesn’t it cross your mind that my personal finances might be any of your goddamn business? Would you ask your rush hour-commuting, paper-pushing, windowless-cubicle sitting, douche bag friends how they support themselves?
CATIE LAZARUS
Graphic Artists Who Imitate Children’s Drawings
I hate when graphic artists or set designers imitate children’s drawings and lettering. Like when they show a kid’s picture in a movie—like of a shark with pointy teeth. Or when there’s an ad in a magazine for school supplies and “pencils” is written on a chalkboard and the words are crooked and the “s” is backwards. This sticks in my craw. Twenty more years in therapy, I’ll get to the bottom of it.
WENDY LIEBMAN
Your 4-Year-Old
No, I don’t want to talk to your 4-year-old on the phone. Their voice is cute, but my friend Jim imitates a good toddler character and he curses when he does it, so I’m covered. And I’m no authority on the subject, but I imagine that 30 seconds worth of “ah…ah…ah…um” can only be appreciated if the child has passed through my own vagina. Until that happens, I’ll just get the story about the dump truck and whatever the fuck else he was talking about from you. And make it quick because I don’t really want to hang out with you anymore.
ROB CORDDRY
Dating Profiles
Do me a favor and just leave the essay section blank next time. No one needs to hear you go on about how you’re as comfortable “out on the town” as you are “at home and watching videos.” There is no one on this site who doesn’t like both. There is no one who doesn’t like both in Estonia. Nor is there a shortage of women out there as comfortable in a pair of sweats as she is in a “little black dress.” Here’s a thought: The next video you watch should be Get a Life.
DAVID KELSEY
Bathroom Attendants
It’s one thing if a guy goes and picks up your car for you or carries your luggage to your room, but it’s entirely another when he’s solely turning the water on and off. Is there some human being out there who would ever say to themselves: “Man, this public restroom experience would be perfect if I only had someone here to turn the faucet for me…. Oh, and offer me a Twix bar and some Paco Rabanne.”
ADAM BARUCHOWITZ
My cats Mookie and Cleo had fleas this week. I really felt for the cats, because they had bugs biting them and shit, but I felt a lot worse for myself. Turns out a single flea can lay about 30,000 eggs, so I had to remove the pets from the premises and flea-bomb the whole apartment with a substance akin to Agent Orange. It sucked. I hope the fleas are burning in flea hell.
GIDEON EVANS
Cell Phone Broadcasting
I get annoyed when my friends call me from rock concerts and hold up their cell phones so I can hear what I’m missing. Great, there’s not enough static in the digital version I already have of “Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground” (plus my stereo doesn’t cut out during guitar solos). Thanks for thinking of me, but you’re only reminding me that I’m too broke to be there myself. I’m trying to watch Lost, so tell Jack White I’ll call him back, okay?
CRAIG BALDO
Fast Food Nationalism
If you read Fast Food Nation or have seen Super Size Me, I want to give you a tip: Don’t talk to me about it over fast food. I just want to eat my burger. I don’t care about the rat feces inside it or how the cow was executed to make it. The fact that I’m in a fast food restaurant already says, “I’ve given up on my health,” so just let me to enjoy my maggot bacon cheeseburger in peace.
PAUL SCHEER
iPod Shuffling
My friend claims that her iPod changed her life. How? “Well I just set it on shuffle and it selects the songs for me.” What hell was your life before that that’s all it took to improve it? What if you get stuck with a playlist like: Black Eyed Peas, Ja Rule and Sergei Rachmaninov? That wouldn’t put me in a great mood. That would annoy me. Whatever happened to free will? What’s next, letting a waitress pick your food? Here ya go: liver, jello, and tomato juice. Yum!
CORY KAHANEY
“Can You Make A Living With That?”
Where do you get the gall to how ask me how I support myself as an artist, you passive-aggressive fuck? Do you mean to imply that it is inconceivable that I would be able to pay the rent with my art? And why doesn’t it cross your mind that my personal finances might be any of your goddamn business? Would you ask your rush hour-commuting, paper-pushing, windowless-cubicle sitting, douche bag friends how they support themselves?
CATIE LAZARUS
Graphic Artists Who Imitate Children’s Drawings
I hate when graphic artists or set designers imitate children’s drawings and lettering. Like when they show a kid’s picture in a movie—like of a shark with pointy teeth. Or when there’s an ad in a magazine for school supplies and “pencils” is written on a chalkboard and the words are crooked and the “s” is backwards. This sticks in my craw. Twenty more years in therapy, I’ll get to the bottom of it.
WENDY LIEBMAN
Your 4-Year-Old
No, I don’t want to talk to your 4-year-old on the phone. Their voice is cute, but my friend Jim imitates a good toddler character and he curses when he does it, so I’m covered. And I’m no authority on the subject, but I imagine that 30 seconds worth of “ah…ah…ah…um” can only be appreciated if the child has passed through my own vagina. Until that happens, I’ll just get the story about the dump truck and whatever the fuck else he was talking about from you. And make it quick because I don’t really want to hang out with you anymore.
ROB CORDDRY
Dating Profiles
Do me a favor and just leave the essay section blank next time. No one needs to hear you go on about how you’re as comfortable “out on the town” as you are “at home and watching videos.” There is no one on this site who doesn’t like both. There is no one who doesn’t like both in Estonia. Nor is there a shortage of women out there as comfortable in a pair of sweats as she is in a “little black dress.” Here’s a thought: The next video you watch should be Get a Life.
DAVID KELSEY
Bathroom Attendants
It’s one thing if a guy goes and picks up your car for you or carries your luggage to your room, but it’s entirely another when he’s solely turning the water on and off. Is there some human being out there who would ever say to themselves: “Man, this public restroom experience would be perfect if I only had someone here to turn the faucet for me…. Oh, and offer me a Twix bar and some Paco Rabanne.”
ADAM BARUCHOWITZ
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