Sandra Bernhard: The Heeb Interview
When she first appeared on the scene, Sandra Bernhard was an impetuous flirt whose svelte figure and pronounced expressions brazenly attracted the glitterati, for better or for worse. But despite detours and sensationalism, she’s not only managed to grow as a human being and performer, she’s still able to make a 20-year-old show reverberate with timeliness. That’s right, the longtime Kabbalah-loving comedienne is back on the comedy circuit, celebrating the 20th anniversary of her original off-Broadway debut, Without You, I’m Nothing. And, even at 53, Bernhard still knows how to shock and be raw.
Heeb sat down with Bernhard to do an exclusive interview for our Music Issue and, fortunately for you, we had more choice Bernhard quotes than we could fit into the magazine. Here’s her thoughts…
...on being Jewish
I don’t think my work reflects being a Jewish comic… I do make references to [being Jewish], but I think I’m transcendental to it all. But, of course, I’m proud of it all and embody the best of the Jewish spirit. I don’t agree with Jews and Evangelicals who get in bed together to bomb Iran. World War III is antithetical to the absolute basis of being a Jew and a Jewish soul.
...on Jewish men
I joked in my act about my daughter not bringing a boy home with an uncircumcised penis. The circumcised penis is wonderfully aesthetic to revel in. If I’m involved with it (which I wouldn’t [be] these days since I’m happily taken), I want a clean, circumcised penis that’s fresh and clean with none of that gross skin to pull back.
...on being gay in Hollywood
Closeted female celebrities don’t want to define themselves because of the roles they want to get. If you want to play a straight role, you don’t want to have people think you’re gay and then not cast you. It goes two ways—if you’re comfortable with it, it’s fine, but wearing two different hats is hard. You don’t have to be ‘out there’ with your sexuality. If it interferes with your mental health, no one would take you seriously—like Whitney Houston, who had to give in to industry standards and it destroyed her. There are lots of double standards and mental health issues within your own skin. You need to be able to lay down the law with the studios.
...on monogamy
In the gay male world, if you’re not that into someone and it’s not a serious relationship, that’s when men sleep around. Men just behave differently. Maybe it’s the makeup of men in general—straight men included. The penis is external, so they see it and it takes up a big chunk of time. Especially gay men who feel less responsibility feel like, ‘Why not just go for it?’ But if you’re in the right setting, why bother? You don’t feel like spinning wheels; it takes too much energy, it’s gross and nasty. I was never a big partier; it’s part of my act or might have been part of my act. But even when I was freewheeling, I kept my dignity.
...on America
My hope for America is that, no matter their views of race or sexuality or finances, that people be compassionate and understanding enough to know we have to do our part. You can’t just stand back and criticize either from the right or left. The country has to be secure with a happy medium of where we’re all happy and productive in our everyday lives. Instead of standing outside an abortion clinic, be a mentor to one of those kids who’ve been brought into the world. Don’t abandon the kid; follow through.
comments
submit a comment04.18.09 at 4:04 pm
^^ circumcised penis that’s fresh and clean with none of that gross skin to pull back. ^^
Hey Sandra, foreskin is every bit as vital to a male’s full sexual experience as your clitoral hood is to yours. What a disgusting thing to say, promoting mutilation of someone’s genitals. Circumcision amputates over half of a male’s sensual nerve endings, and leaves his mucosal parts to dry and callous from contact with clothing and the air.
95% of the non-Muslim world does not circumcise. There is no culture cutting girls that does not also cut boys. Yet for 94% of the world’s females, even a ceremonial pin-prick to the genitals is illegal.
Search YouTube for “functions of the foreskin” and get educated before somebody quotes you making an ass of yourself again.
Foreskin feels REALLY good. HIS body HIS decision.
04.18.09 at 8:04 pm
wait, whitney is gay?
04.19.09 at 2:04 pm
I remember when I saw Sandy’s show once around 1999, and she was riffing on the circumcized/uncircumcized penis topic. She goes, “There’s something about an uncircimcized penis….it just has NO PERSONALITY, you know?” I roared. Couldn’t agree more. My issue isn’t clenliness, it’s aesthetics.
Also, I have a cut penis, and I enjoy it quite nicely! (And so do other guys!) I’ve heard this “circumcision ruins sensation” argument before, and I can only speak from my experience….I’ve never had an uncut one (least not since I was 7 days old), but I feel puh-lenty of sensation! TMI Alert – sometimes after the big O, I prolong it by stroking the back of my head, and it’s just almost TOO sensitive for me, sometimes! :-D
12.21.09 at 5:12 pm
A few more questions for Sandra Bernhard, and ideas for possible comedy routines since she joked in her act and publicly expressed her personal preference for circumcision, in others.
What about mohel’s that perform a bris with “metzitzah b peh”? You know when they lean over immediately after circumcising and take the baby’s raw penis in their mouth and suck off the blood? That’s funny right? No one else does jokes about that? Jokes about Catholic priests and pedophilia would pale by comparison. Don’t forget to include the stuff about the babies that die from this when the Mohel passes on his herpes.
How about botched circumcisions? Sometimes the circumciser takes too much and woops, there goes the little guy’s future sex life! Funny stuff for you Ms. Bernhard, and hey circumcision accidents happen so nice Jewish girls like you and your daughter can find a nice circumcised penis. You joked that you didn’t want your daughter bringing home “a boy with an uncircumcised penis.”
There’s always an audience ready to laugh nervously about circumcision so why not exploit that to the max. Don’t forget when you take your act on the road to certain counties where they cut girls it could get confusing. Double standards abound. Many guys in Muslim societies prefer sex with a circumcised woman with a clean circumcised vulva that’s “fresh and clean with none of that gross skin to pull back.”
Seriously now here’s a real tip, how about getting informed on the subject of circumcision and the human rights issues issues it raises. Once armed with the facts you would really grow as a human being and a performer and become truly compassionate. Speak out against it and you would be truly shocking.
12.22.09 at 12:12 am
Chopping up other people’s bodies without their informed adult consent is human vivisection, the human rights violation and crime against humanity that licensed German doctors were convicted shortly after World War II of committing against Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals and others during the war. Let the ignorant, insane, sick, sadistic perpetrators laugh all the way to jail. Killing babies for nothing is not funny. intact.wikia.com/wiki/Death_By_Circumcision