Heeb

Every now and then our office receives correspondence from some random motherfuckers. Letters from prisoners and hate e-mail from white supremacists are a given, but the most frightening of all are the fans.

Take Cara Oshiver. The 30-year-old lives in Asheville, North Carolina. Asheville is a college town that’s mostly known for its laid-back pothead academics and its casual diners, but it also boasts a pole dancer who dresses as a Jewish grandmother. Guess who? Oshiver just recently assumed the identity of "Sexy Bubby," an alter-ego that somehow sexually liberates her.

Oshiver recently took time out to discuss her pole gig and other special skills (read: shooting matzoh balls out of her vah-jay-jay) with Heeb.

Coming up with Sexy Bubby was more like coming into myself as opposed to coming up with something. I have always been somewhere between the ages of 12 and 112. I play like a kid and get worn out by 8 p.m. Some of my favorite pastimes have been guilting loved ones into seeing things my way. I love little fatties and find the bigger and balder man is the sexiest.

When did you learn how to pole dance? Ever work in the clubs? 

I’ve been on my pole for almost three years. I have never been into a strip club except for having to run inside to use a potty once, but I barely looked up. My friends were eating at a lunch buffet, and I hung outside. It was such a beautiful day, plus pussy scared me at that point in my life. Nobody has experienced the love of Sexy Bubby yet, so I am excited to adopt some new grandbabies. I think on my site I ask for $100 an hour. I won’t go below that, but I would be more than happy to charge more.

I imagine Asheville, North Carolina, probably doesn’t have much need for pole dancing bubbes.

Asheville just doesn’t know how much they need Sexy Bubby! One of my goals in life is to never reproduce. I think our tribe has enough members. 

So you sell these poles? How many do you sell? What do they cost? What kind of profit are we talking here?

I sell the best product known to women. My poles cost $340 if you order from me to have them delivered to your home. They’re $375 if you need it today in Asheville.

My poles are strong and come up and down with ease. They can work on warped floors. My favorite part is how they spin. I have never had so much fun, and I used to do a lot of drugs and hang with the bad boys. I thought nothing could be more fun than that, but I replaced any bad habit with the best habit. I get stronger, more flexible, and, best of all, more confident every time I fly on my pole.

I am not even five feet tall, and I used to think of myself as a grotesque and hideous strange woman. Now I think of myself as a sexpot with energy. I truly enjoy myself now that I incorporate pole dancing in my days just like I do brushing my teeth.

What are the best songs for your Bubby character to pole dance to?

Bubby dances to everything, but her theme song is Rod Stewart’s ‘If You Want My Body.’

Does your boyfriend ever want to shtupp you in the Bubby costume?

He was sick of Sexy Bubby from the get-go. Isn’t love magical?

Do you have a day job? 

I have a gorgeous dance studio that I teach and live in. My studio is in a building that is over 100 years old. Asheville used to be the place to go if you had TB, and this place was the mansion for the doc who worked on the TB meds.

What’s the deal with shooting the matzoh balls out of your vagina?

They are golden matzoh balls.  

Have you considered charging money for Internet biz—for a certain amount of gelt, Sexy Bubby will do stuff on webcam?

I will do anything for money as long as it wouldn’t disappoint. 

Where can we find out more about your shtick?

Check me out at www.poleartsasheville.com and www.polestoner.com. I just bought my first computer for my 30th b-day, which is coincidentally Hitler’s birthday (4/20), but I don’t even know how to burn a CD. So please be patient.

Sexy Bubby makes her big debut June 20 at the Black Ball in Asheville.