Celebrity Shtup: I Fucked Screech
by Mary Ann Patton
Walking down the hall to take the elevator up the 12 stories gave me a little time to think: Should I sleep with C-list celebrity Dustin Diamond, better known as Screech Powers from Saved by the Bell?
Earlier in the evening, after showing my fake ID to get into a comedy club and throwing back a couple of beers, I found myself in the perfect position to heckle the television star I admired when I was younger. A few minutes into the set he asked for the Jews to make themselves known. This medium-sized audience in this medium-sized regional city held only one. Not being Jewish myself, I still clapped in support, and, when he pointed out my being a gentile to the rest of the crowd, I proudly shouted back, “I love Jews.”
The banter continued with jokes, winking and a few obscene hand gestures, I was even able to get a few laughs from the crowd on my own.
Post-show, Diamond waited outside to sign autographs and take Polaroids with anyone willing to shell out 10 bucks. I told him I was going out for drinks and that he was more than welcome to come along. He asked for my number instead and said he would call after finishing up his business at the comedy club.
For some reason that I still don’t fully understand myself, I actually scribbled my information down and handed it over.
A couple of neat J&B’s later, my phone rang. I made my way over to the Marriot. Three steps inside the door and his tongue was down my throat. The forwardness of his kiss continued onto the bed, which was where he informed me that he was a “tits man” and that mine “were pretty nice.” And people say men can’t compliment a girl like they used to.
The sex was extremely awkward, and Diamond shifted from one position to the next with all the grace of a 14-year old boy. After 10 minutes, he pulled out to cum on my stomach. The fact that he yelled out “Moo Goo Gai Pan” while ejaculating only heightened the magical moment. He offered to wipe me down with a towel, but I excused myself to the bathroom with a simple: “No, that’s ok. I can clean it up myself.”
The pillow talk consisted of 45 minutes of Diamond telling me about Adult Swim cartoons. He also showed me dozens of small plastic Halloween figurines he apparently collects.
It was third grade show and tell all over again, only I was topless. He went into great detail about these figurines, explaining which were rare and which “came in almost every fucking box.” Every time I reached for my shirt or looked at the time he interrogated me, asking me what I was doing. Finally, a friend called and I was able to get dressed and go. I walked over to the door, but Dustin wouldn’t stop talking. Standing there I couldn’t think of anything else to do but jiggle the door handle. With that action Diamond finally took the hint that I was ready to get the fuck out.
I’ve never been happy about sleeping with Dustin Diamond, but, when I can make someone’s day by sharing how I fucked Screech, the whole thing seems worthwhile.
comments
submit a comment07.06.09 at 12:07 pm
Great story! Thanks for sharing.
07.07.09 at 12:07 am
Mary, I don’t mean to sound like an ass but you are either really ugly/obese or one of those girls who f*cks celebs just to say they did i.e. a whore. In no situation and in no reality should “Screech” be allowed to touch a female body. The fact that you let him cum on you is even more disturbing. Was he even wearing a codom? Don’t answer that. I don’t think you’re making people’s day when you mention you fucked Screech, I think your ruining it. This story can be summed up in one word: Gross.
07.07.09 at 10:07 am
OMG what a hater, SB! Look: good sex is great. But weird, f*d up, really-bad-sex is what we’ll be remembering and laughing about when we’re 80. So go out and have some bad sex so that you can turn that hate to laughter.
07.07.09 at 8:07 pm
You stayed around for 45 minutes after having sex that lasted for 10?
07.08.09 at 3:07 pm
I don’t believe the story – he was on tour, staying at the mariott hotel and shlepping his “figurine” collection?
It’s a good story – just not fully credible . . .
07.08.09 at 8:07 pm
you wanted a story and use the age old “A couple of neat J&B’s later” as though this was the reason your sorry ass went through with it. the truth is YOU live in a loser “medium sized regional city” and you can use anything you can get over there.
its also probably true that dustin diamond only saw you as some kind of fuck toy for ten minutes to get his nut off. he cut to the chase because you’re not worth it. you’re just a po-dunk sperm recepticle.
07.09.09 at 11:07 am
Heeb — seriously — are you trying to be a magnet for misogynistic fucks? I like this story but am horrified by your reader’s attitudes. I know you don’t control the comments but are you inviting this type of reader by saturating your site with posts like Orit Fox, Bar Refaeli’s Boob? Where are the Jewish women who kick ass? Get over your matricidal tendencies and broaden your horizons.
07.09.09 at 10:07 pm
Hmmm…seems to me if you’re gonna post a story on the web about how you screwed some complete stranger and let him bust his nut over you…then you have to expect that people will (quite correctly) point out that you’re a dirty slut :P
There’s nothing misogynistic about calling a ho a ho.
07.10.09 at 1:07 am
“Matricidal tendencies”—c’mon, Spinner. You sound like a jackass. This is a poignant tale by a woman who clearly has a sense of humor about herself and her own contradictions. She’s not writing a feminist manifesto here. She’s telling a story about a moment in her life that she’s not proud of, but can also laugh at. BTW, do you even know what “matricide” means?
07.14.09 at 12:07 pm
So much hate here!!!
I enjoyed your story – probably more than you enjoyed the experience. I’ll confess that I have a copy of the Screeched DVD, though I haven’t yet watched it. Not sure I want to now… perhaps in the company of friends.
07.14.09 at 3:07 pm
This story is definitely fake – nice try, but it didn’t happen. You expect us to believe that you had unprotected sex with Screech within minutes of meeting him? First, I’m pretty sure that Screech is gay and has been in a long-term relationship with Dennis Haskins (the guy who played Mr. Belding) for many years. Second, Screech cannot afford to stay at a Marriot and no comedy club owner is going to shell out the money for a Marriot hotel room for Screech. Instead, Screech either sleeps in a Motel 6, in a back room at the comedy club, or spoons with homeless men sleeping in the alley behind a gas station.
07.14.09 at 4:07 pm
Definitely fake. Diamond only cavorts with diseased homeless men, Mr. Belding, and a fatty known as “fake wife” or the “Arbynator”. Diamond never in his life has penetrated anything, he forever has and will be the penetrated! I agree with Kurt that there is no way Diamond has ever stayed anywhere near a Marriot. Diamond is a Super 8, or an under the closest bridge kinda guy. He prefers the company of lowlifes as he is one and knows there is a good chance that while sleeping he will find himself waking up to being anally violated!
07.14.09 at 5:07 pm
This is a much more believable story about Dustin Diamond. This fine story is from 2005.
“29th March 2005 – 01:59:48 PM
12942 : Gay Zack
So I met Dustin at a bar, he was asking me if I knew where he could buy an 8 ball of coke. I told him I could probably hook him up if we went back to my place. We got home and I offered him a nice stiff drink, which he slammed down. I called up a guy that I fuck sometimes and told him that Dustin Diamond needed an 8 ball of coke. He dropped it off, while Dustin downed a few more drinks. During that whole time Dustin and I got to talking about chess and his comedy, I really think we hit it off. He asked me if I would have a problem if he smoked some in my house. I said it was cool. He took out a little cloth bag that had a glass pipe that looked just like a penis. He kind off smiled when he saw that I noticed the penis pipe. He lit up and smoked and offered me some. I refused so he smoked more. After a while he sat by me and started to make out with me. He shoved his tongue down my throat and began to stroke my now fully erect cock. He took my pants off and began to suck my off. He got naked and put his ass up to my mouth and I gave him a Russian trombone. I made him cum all over the floor, than I put my cock deep inside his ass and pounded him like I’ve never pounded before. He let out a whimper like a little puppy as I slowly took my cock out and penetrated deeper. We fucked all night long until he started having trouble getting hard, so he said he needed more coke. He dumped some on my cock and began to snort it off, than licked off the rest. He slammed down some tequila and began rimming me. I asked him to hold on and I went into the bathroom and changed into my Screech outfit. When I went back out he instantly got hard and began pounding me to the point that shit leaked out of my ass. He got on the floor and asked me to let my juices flow on his stomache. I took a big runny shit all over his stomach, than I started to let it drip on his face and goatee. He stroked his dick until he came, while he also fingered his ass. The whole room smelled of coke, cum and shit – it turns me on just thinking about it. We stayed up all night and in the morning we took a shower together. He left and told me he would call me next time he was in town. I’m sure he says that to all the guys, but even if he doesn’t return, at least we had that one beautiful night of homo erotic pleasure that gets me hard and dripping every time I think of it.”
Now that’s the real Dustin Diamond!
ROCCO
07.14.09 at 6:07 pm
This thread’s really taken an odd turn, hasn’t it?
07.15.09 at 9:07 am
Damn. More stories like that one, please!