Heeb

By Matthew Newman

Don’t front—you know you parked yourself in front of the tube after school every week to watch the exploits of Six and Blossom—the hottest hatted duo since Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. After chatting with Jenna von Oy (Six herself), Heeb sifted through the canon of Blossom episodes to bring you the top 10 moments of this perfectly pre-teen angst fest. Check it out.

1) Losing Your…Religion

Aside from DILF extraordinaire Nick Russo, the sexiest thing on Blossom was Six, which means that the sexiest episode of Blossom was the one in which Six decides to have the sex. After buying condoms in the gas station men’s bathroom—a move that screams sexual maturity and a loving monogamous relationship—Six defends her decision to B thusly: “He’s good-looking, he’s sensitive and he just got his braces off.” 

Well, I guess it’s true what they say about best-laid plans—because in the heat of the moment, Six realizes Kevin doesn’t love her (and apparently that matters) and passes on the ass. Too bad, too, because Six’s boyfriend is played by none other than Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Six should probably call Jessie Spano STAT—missing out on a ride on the Zack Morris train is the type of misery that definitely needs company.

2) The Geek

Alf appears on Blossom. Let me say that again: Alf appears on Blossom! Does it even matter what he does or says whilst on Blossom? Hell no! The mere fact that a vaguely phallic-looking puppet from space makes a cameo on some ‘90s chick show is enough to make this episode go down in television history. (Skip to the eight-minute mark.) 

3) Sex, Lies and Teenagers

When Sheila “My Parents Are Never Home” Austerman throws one of her epic make-out parties, Blossom and Six have an important decision to make: slut it up, or shut it up. It might be Blossom’s shoulder pads or Six’s perfectly crimped coif, but something about this episode has more ‘90s nostalgia than usual. What could it be? It’s probably the fact that a make-out party was risqué enough to warrant a Phil Donahue cameo (check the 7:20 mark, below). Blossom and Six are lucky they lived in the times of Party of Five instead of Gossip Girl, or those little ladies would be knee-deep in K-Y Jelly by senior year.

4) Transitions  

In this very special episode of Blossom, Six becomes an alcoholic. Well, to be perfectly fair, she drinks three beers before bed, pukes and passes out. I don’t really think any of those qualify a 17-year-old as an alcoholic, but if Blossom thinks there’s a problem, chances are, absolutely nothing is wrong and it’s basically an exaggeration of a real world issue projected onto a group of teenagers. Either way, the melodrama is thicker than the alcohol consumption.

5) Six and Sonny, Parts 1 and 2

While Blossom is usually the star of the show, for two weeks—two beautiful weeks—Six was the HBIC when she was getting her swerve on, statutory rape style, with special guest star David Schwimmer, a 26-year-old ex-con—and fucking father of three. Someone slap me if this isn’t real.

6) The Joint

When Blossom finds a joint on the bus (What the hell kind of bus does this chick take?—because I want in), the Russo family reacts as if an entire Columbian coke cartel has showed up at their front door. As usual, Six is the voice of reason in this mess. When it comes time to decide what to do with the joint—destroy or enjoy—she tells party pooper to the extreme, Blossom, “We have the essentials: matches and lungs.” Under normal circumstances, I would say that this is sound advice, but I do have to reiterate the fact that B found the joint on the bus. As older bro Anthony says, “You don’t even know what was in it, crack, dust, it could have been anything.” Anything? Don’t tempt us with a good time that you won’t follow through on, Anthony.

7) Second Base

Blossom starts the episode off by writing about her urge to go to second base with her boyfriend, referring to the chest exam as “the big moment.” The fact that getting felt up by some pimply pre-teen is a “the big moment” for Big B just further proves how far superior Six’s cool factor is to the tit-ular character’s.

8) Copycat

This episode was all about some chick who bites Blossom’s style (one-minute mark, below). The only really notable thing about this ‘sode is the fact that someone is actually copying Blossom’s style. Jesus, does this chick have a high school death wish or what?

9) Dad’s Girlfriend

Nick Russo gets a girlfriend in this episode, and my heart died just a little bit as I watched Daddy Russo fawn over some bitch in shoulder pads. Luckily, son Joey offered some words of wisdom to his misguided pops: Apparently Nick’s new girlfriend comes from what Joey calls Bimboland. I’m not sure where that is, I think it might be in Mediterranean or maybe the Middle East. Well, as soon as you extricate yourself from Bimboland, Russo, give me a call. I’ll be waiting…unless you went bald.

10) The theme song

One word: “Opinionation.” I honestly don’t know what it means. There’s probably a definition somewhere on the Internet, but I have my own. I think it means going through the entirety of your awkward stage on television. And, by the way, in my opinionation the sun really is going to shine, so thanks for the optimism Blossom theme song, you really kept me going through the ‘90s.