Heeb

In addition to telling stupid jokes that make uptight people angry, Daniel Radcliffe also writes stupid poems on subjects that he has no firsthand knowledge of (see above). The 19-year-old Harry Potter star published four poems under the pen name Jacob Gershon (his middle name and the Jewish version of his mother’s maiden name, Gresham) in Rubbish magazine at age 17.

Beside these verdurous and wind-blown fronds I lie with two long-legged, glistening blondes. The wisps of comb-over that I call hair Are slowly bleaching in the sunlit air That’s also turning orange the skin I wear. The wife thinks I’m on some dull business trip! ‘Poor bitch,’ I think and take another sip Of sweet champagne with no hint of remorse. I mean why would you bother with divorce? It’s so much easier to slip away And put a week aside so you can play Without the chance of ever getting caught And leaving her and Robert so distraught That they would never speak to me again. What is the point in causing all that pain? It’s better to protect your son and wife And casually build up a secret life… Soon they will want their money and I’ll pay, Oh, but who cares? I make five grand a day! My buzzing phone reminds me of this trick, I tell her I’m busy, my God she’s thick. She always just accepts, never inquires. Which is just what I want with my desires, To sweep off suddenly Overseas And **** whoever I bloody well please. In every port a new exotic squeeze And I mean it when I say exotic, My carnal exploits have been quite quixotic!... No doubt I’d be incapable of saying it, But I don’t mind if there’s no trouble paying it. Too soon I’ll go back to my family And enter through the door and there will see The trusting faces of my wife and child Whom, without their knowledge, I have defiled With hookers and lies and sordid relationships On various and frequent business trips. My wife sweetly smiles and her eyes seem glad My son gives me a hug and says: ‘I’ve missed you, dad.’  

The other poems were about cheating men and Pete Doherty. I think those were T.S. Eliot’s influences as well.