The Burnt Jew Cookie Recipe – Over Six Million Served
Originally whipped up by Roseanne Barr for her photoshoot and interview in Heeb‘s Germany Issue, the “Domestic Goddess Hitler’s Burnt Jew Cookies” were talked about on Extra, The View and The O’Reilly Factor. Tomorrow night, September 1 at Union Pool in Brooklyn, is your chance to taste these sinfully delicious treats at the Heeb Germany Issue Party. If you can’t make it to the party (and being stuck in a cattle car is really the only reasonable excuse) here is the recipe to make a cookie no one will dare forget.
Recipe by Pandora Kent
Ingredients:
2 cups Sifted all-purpose flour, plus more for work surface
¼ tsp Kosher salt
½ tsp Baking powder
½ cup (1 stick or 8 oz.) Unsalted butter
1 cup Granulated sugar (not that organic cane sugar crap from Whole Foods)
1 Large egg
1 tsp Vanilla extract
4 ounces Dark chocolate, coarsely chopped
1 Hitler mustache to wear while you bake (optional)
Directions:
- Sift together flour, salt, and baking powder in a large bowl. Set aside.
- Cream butter and sugar together, using an electric/stand mixer, on medium speed until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes (use a large bowl and wooden spoon if you are mixerless). Add the egg, mix until smooth. Reduce speed to low, and add the flour mixture and mix until combined. Stir in vanilla. Wrap the dough in plastic and refrigerate until they are as cold as an Auschwitz winter.
- Preheat over to 325˚ – only a gas oven will do.
- Line 2 cookie sheets with parchment paper (don’t cheat and just butter the pan). Roll out dough on a well-floured surface (or in between two sheets of parchment paper) until it’s a little more than 1/8 inch thick (if it’s hot in your kitchen, do half the dough at a time, leave the rest wrapped in plastic in the fridge). Cut out your Jews using your treasured 5-7” cookie cutter (or smaller if you want to make the Anne Frank version). Using a metal spatula, transport them one by one to the cookie sheets, leaving 2 inches between bodies. Don’t worry about lost cookie arms or legs during transport, you can always blame the deformities on prior medical experiments. Reroll the scraps, chilling in between if necessary. Refrigerate the cookies until firm. (Very important that you do not skip this step or else the Fuhrer will be enraged.)
- Finally, send the Jews to the ovens. Bake cookies until they starting to turn pale golden brown, about 11 to 12 minutes. Remember make sure to slightly burn your Jews, you don’t want any survivors seeking vengeance.
- When the cookies are almost cool, melt the chocolate over a double boiler on medium heat. If you don’t know what that means, microwave the chocolate until it’s liquidy. Remove from heat/microwave. Using a metal spatula, carefully remove the cookies from the parchment, and place on a wire rack. Using a pastry brush, gently daub the chocolate into a “burn” pattern that will guarantee a war crime indictment. If the chocolate gets too stiff in the bowl while you are working on your masterpieces, remelt gently. When the chocolate has completely hardened use decorating icing to make frownie faces and “X” eyes. If you’re feeling particularly creative feel free to add yellow “Jude” stars.
Cookies can be stored in an airtight container at room temperature for up to five days or until the stench of rotting flesh becomes unbearable.
comments
submit a comment08.31.09 at 8:08 pm
I prefer gingerbread.
08.31.09 at 8:08 pm
Are you fucking kidding?
08.31.09 at 8:08 pm
you should be ashamed of yourselves. Not only is this not funny, it is extremely disrespectful. HEEB is a disgrace.
08.31.09 at 9:08 pm
I agree with aussiejew. I used to like Heeb, actually I was a annual subscriber but after this one, I am definately cancelling my subscription. This is defiantely going too far.
08.31.09 at 9:08 pm
I think funny and disrespectful are fairly subjective terms.
I find the furore surrounding this article more amusing then the article itself.
If this is the most offensive (to Jews) thing you can find to harp on about…you’re clearly not looking hard enough.
I dunno about burning them though…nobody likes burnt cookies :P
Australia rules w00t represent!!!
Oh, and if you find the burnt cookie thing offensive…stop fucking clicking on articles about it!!!
08.31.09 at 11:08 pm
I can’t stand Australia.
Bad Beer, homophobic racist people and an obnoxious climate to boot.
08.31.09 at 11:08 pm
You realise, of course, decrying an entire nation of people as racist is, in fact, racist.
Perhaps you were attempting to be ironic…or you are simply ignorant and don’t understand what the word racist means.
I’m tilting towards the latter.
I daresay the laws in Australia regarding racial and sexual villification are far more stringent, and more stringently enforced, than anything your rather sad excuse for a nation has managed to vomit forth onto it’s troglodyte population.
So yeah, you might wanna add ‘bitchy’ to the list ;)
09.01.09 at 7:09 am
Decrying an entire nation of people as racist is only racist when you attack a country that is largely homogeneous. ie Japan.
Australia should be multi-cultural, but unfortunately the possibilities for that are stifled constantly by alcohol swilling yobs that regularly gang up on non-whites. (Most of them wear suits and work in Canberra.)
09.01.09 at 6:09 pm
LOL
The suggestion that Japan is ‘largely homogeneous’ is wildly racist and offensive lol.
You’re one of those people that start sentences with “I’m not a racist…but” aren’t you?
Disappointed Palin didn’t get across the line?
09.01.09 at 9:09 pm
The suggestion that Japan is ‘largely homogeneous’ is wildly racist and offensive lol.
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Really? So my Sociology Professor was a racist?
Not sure what Michael Palin did to upset you.
(and why are you making the assumption that I’m an American or white, for that matter? I’m neither.)
09.01.09 at 9:09 pm
If the Klan Hood fits…
Just because all Asians look the same to you does not qualift them as a homogeneous culture.
He possibly was a racist…are you now suggesting sociologists (paternalistic, euro-centric biased, colonialist faux discipline for people who didn’t get the marks for a real degree) are incapable of racism? What an achievement…one that has thus far eluded the entire rest of the human race throughout the entirety of history.
Vale!
I’ve been to Japan, I didn’t find their society ‘largely homogeneous’ at all. Indeed, the Japanese culture has a wide variety of sub-cultures covering everything from Cos-play fanatics to the Harijuku girls and boys…the more traditional businessman…monks…nuns…punks…Goths…much like any ‘western’ society, and even strange rabbit cafes.
Aah whitey, always trying to keep a harijuku brother down.
09.01.09 at 10:09 pm
Aah whitey, always trying to keep a harijuku brother down.
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That’s genuinely funny, but I never said that all Japanese look alike, nor did I say that their “culture” is homogenous. Merely they are mostly all one ethnic group, unlike other places that have a vast array of dissimilar DNA. The Ainu are the major exception to that and they’re treated like shit.
09.01.09 at 11:09 pm
If you look at DNA within what we perceive as racial/ethnic groups, you’ll see there’s actually a higher degree of variation within the group than there is between the group and any other racial/ethnic group. See, race is a social construct, not a scientific one. I’d also dispute your linking of race and ethnicity these are two very different things and I understand that sociology generally accepts and promotes that fact. There is no scientific basis for what we refer to as ‘race’...the suggestion that melanin levels determine your racial group is, even on a prima facie basis, ludicrous. What you’re referring to as “similar DNA” is in fact “similar appearance” and even that is subjective as we base these similarities on our own euro-centric experiences. On an evolutionary basis (if you believe in it), given our common ancestors, the concept of race is also debunked. Race is merely an invention of various cultures and societies based on outdated modes of thinking that we have long known to be untrue, but which we cling to in order to preserve what we have been taught to consider our racial identity.
The sooner people stop pushing the race fallacy wheelbarrow, the better we’ll all be.
Word.
09.02.09 at 12:09 am
That said, I agree with your conclusion, but not the premise.
09.02.09 at 12:09 am
I barely remember what my premise is after that lengthy rant…
09.02.09 at 1:09 am
I don’t remember either. (passes bowl…)
09.02.09 at 12:09 pm
best ending to a ridiculous message board debate ever.
12.20.09 at 6:12 pm
WTF! Do people really think this is funny? Do they think this is even mildly amusing? wtf people?!? I don’t care who published it but its disgusting and disrespectful. It horrible not only to Jews but to the millions who lost their lives for no f**king reason and their families. wtf…
01.16.10 at 5:01 pm
I found this page, and everything on it, to be wildly amusing.