Heeb

Text by Juli Weiner

"I have not seen a crowd this size since my Bar Mitzvah!" Rahm Emanuel began. Of course this wasn’t true, but a pretty good icebreaker. Yes, it’s surprising that Emanuel—son of an Israeli immigrant, practicing Jew, father about to take his kid to freaking Jerusalem— actually wasn’t the United Jewish Federations‘s first-round draft pick. "I know I wasn’t your first choice," he admitted—although he definitely should have been.

How could the super-Jew White House Chief of Staff be second-choice, you ask? How could Emanuel, who looks like a police sketch of George Clooney and carries himself with the swagger of someone who knows it, be anyone’s second choice for anything? Well, President Obama canceled at the last minute to attend memorial services at Fort Hood. Every speaker, including Emanuel, alluded to it, oscillating from sympathy to passive-aggression. "I wanted to get the President to attend this GA. And we were this close," announced Kathy Manning, chair-elect of the Jewish Federations of North America. Still! Rahm Emanuel! The guy has said wild things in the past and, therefore, is capable of saying insane things today and that’s exciting. "I know we’re all curious what he’s going to say—and how he’s going to say it," Manning said. Even the Chair of the JCC Association of North America clumsily stuttered something about forgetting to Google—or was it remembering to Google?—the words "Rahm Emanuel" and "difficult."

Even a couple Phelps family members showed up. Just a couple of them. Annoying but no threat. You know the Phelps family, right? They’re the crazies that protest at the funerals of soldiers and think America is going to hell. Around five of them had signs—"GOD HATES JEWS": classic; declarative—protesting the existence of Emanuel, a Jew speaking to Jews about the security of Israel. And guess what? Evidently, God is angry and even hates Emanuel. More than he hates fags, even, and that’s really surprising, no? (Thank you, Phelps family, for making even the craziest Jews look sane next to you crazy Christians.) Of course no one paid any attention to these people at all, except your correspondent’s cab driver who asked, "Oh, why talk to these people?" when she jumped from the car to take their photo.

Photo by Juli Weiner

Unfortunately, Emanuel wasn’t insane or difficult; rather, he was charming, self-deprecating, and, to the disappointment of many in the room, markedly— though certainly expectedly—more dovish regarding Israel than Netanyahu had been the day before. ("Some believe we"—that’s Emanuel and Obama—"single out Israel" regarding Palestinian settlements, he admitted.) He said Obama was "heartsick" about not being able to attend and the reason why, and requested a moment of silence for the Fort Hood shooting. The following portion of the speech was a bit flack-y and talking point-y: the President is "breaking this vicious cycle of recession," the health care bill, crowd-pleasing pleasantries about the environment and alternative sources of energy. Ho-hum.

Then came choppier waters: foreign policy. Every other sentence was about Obama’s commitment to the safety of the holy land. Yes, it’s consistent with those of previous administrations. "As the President has said many times, as he said in Cairo, Egypt, the bond between the US and Israel is unbreakable." The crowd made skeptical noises. (hmm. . . ) But he insisted Obama and Biden and Hillary Clinton all loved Israel back when they were senators, like years and years ago, back when practically no one had even heard of Israel except one dude at Pitchfork. And Rahm loved Israel, too, even though he was only a congressman: "Congress being a little lower than senator—a little."

Emanuel explained the only route to two secure states—a Jewish state and a Palestinian state—is through a negotiation process without preconditions. (Clap-clap-clap.) This started to win the crowd over. Then he mentioned Israel’s "unilateral actions," and got murmuring instead of clapping. (Uh-oh.) Then he hit the old Jews with some hard truths: Jews west of the Jordan River are slowly becoming the minority. "Demographics cannot be denied," he insisted, and he got, like, NO applause. Almost silence. Emanuel even acknowledged it: "Getting weaker here guys." Oh, shit, he’s starting to die on stage!

It worked out okay. Emanuel knows this audience. He closed the speech with a safe bet: peace. Always conclude with peace. Peace, peace, peace, clapping, clapping, clapping. Peace saves the day, literally! Then he finished us off an announcement that he and his brother Ari—yes, the inspiration for Jeremy Piven’s Entourage character—are taking their kids to Jerusalem for their Bar Mitzvahs later this year. (Thunderous applause.) Nothing wins over a crowd of Zionists like two nice, successful Jewish boys taking their offspring back to the holy land. He bought so much good will he could even afford to close by teasing us about money: "I’ll take an $18 check from the UJC," he said. "That’s illegal. I’m a public servant. It’s a joke."

Well played, Emanuel.