Heeb

Last night, I saw Avatar and I never have to go to Burning Man again. (I will, though, because I love that visual buffet of amazing and I love hippie pussy, or, as I call it, “hipussy.”)

Avatar was a lot like Burning Man. Cheesy in parts and filled with naked blue people wearing extensions. It’s almost too much at times but also beautiful, endlessly entertaining and absolutely unlike anything you will ever see elsewhere.

I ejaculated blue nerd cum for three hours straight. I came in Real 3D.  I mistakenly thought I’d been cumming in 3D, since we all live in the third dimension. Tonight, I realized I was wrong. Real 3D is better than actual 3D.

Yes, it’s ridiculous at points. The "Hakuna Matata" Lion King séances and the spirit of “what would have happened if Native Americans had magic powers” is present. Pseudo-racist African accents flow freely. The tremendously cheesy dialogue or the scene where a ten-foot tall alien hottie cradles her diminutive lover in her arms like a baby would ruin any other movie. I didn’t even notice. No, fuck that, I DID notice. And I LIKED it. The cheese made me happy.

I wasn’t bored for one second. I wanted to be a marine and then lose my legs and then be sent to space and then get some Amazonian alien raver pussy. I wanted to BE an avatar. And, in many ways, that’s the magic of this movie. It is the closest you’ll ever be to actually experiencing a film from the inside. Sadly though, the movie ended and I have nothing to do now. Except play Xbox and wait until next year’s Burning Man or for James Cameron to make another movie, whichever comes first. (I’m kidding. Cameron won’t make another movie for 20 years and next time it’ll be a movie where you are actually killed at the end of it, paddled back to life and then handed an African baby named after the film on your way out of the theatre.)

EVERYONE ON EARTH , GO SEE AVATAR.

Moshe Kasher was named the iTunes Rewind 2009: Best New Comic. Click for upcoming gigs and see him in the flesh.