Predictions for the Future: 2010-2020
We’re all wondering where this next decade will take us. What more can happen? And what cute nickname will it have? (The Tensies?) Between wars and meltdowns, the future seems bleak, sure, but to give you, our readers, a heads-up on days to come, our in-house entrail reader adopted and slaughtered a Christian puppy on December 24. After consulting with our bible decoder, he sussed out a few of the surprises heading our way. This combined effort (along with countless coin flips), has led to some random insights about the years ahead. Fear the future (fighting it is a waste of time), as it begins . . . now.
May 1, 2010 – With his popularity at an all-time low, President Obama declares “Mission Accomplished” in Afghanistan. Despite no change in the war, those two words inspire enough confidence to get him re-elected two years later.
February 18, 2011 – Twitter’s popularity is eclipsed by Twtr, a site for updates of only 8 characters or less.
October 22, 2012 – After securing the Republican nomination, Sarah Palin abandons the race due to the impending apocalypse. She spends the remaining months hunting, gathering and building an ark.
December 22, 2012 – Day one after the end of days. We’re all still here. Nothing has happened.
October 31, 2013 – After a 115-year drought, The Chicago Cubs finally win the World Series again. The other 29 major league teams were on strike at the time.
May 4, 2014 – Aliens land on Earth and demand to know when the Arrested Development movie will be finished. After months of being told “any day now” and “Jason Bateman said in an interview that they start next week” the aliens give up, frustrated. They declare humans aren’t ready for intergalactic communication and fly back into the skies.
July 29, 2014 – Professor Irwin Corey,"one of the most brilliant comics of all time" according to Lenny Bruce, celebrates his 100th birthday.
August 15, 2014 – Sexting becomes an official Olympic sport. The first gold medal goes to the Italians.
October 21, 2015 – Thanks to a recently pilfered hoverboard, Marty McFly stops Biff from terrorizing Hill Valley, then mysteriously disappears in a flying DeLorean.
November 6, 2017 – Michael Bloomberg is elected mayor of New York City for the fifth time. He spends 342 million of his own money on the race and earns 54% of the popular vote, which is pretty impressive considering he died two years earlier.
March 24, 2018 – The New York Times, the last daily print paper in the country, cuts back to one edition each month, and is renamed The New York Olde Timey Gazette and Dispatch.
October 15, 2018 – Nine months after an ill-fated quickie backstage at the People’s Choice Awards, Britney Spears and Bristol Palin simultaneously become grandmothers.
December 31, 2019 – Don Rickles is still alive, disappointing thousands who have listed him in their “dead celebrity pool” every year for the past decade.
Related Posts:
Grave New World: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About the Future
Heaven’s Rejects: Heeb’s Guide to the Christian Apocalypse
Chai Times with Professor Irwin Corey
comments
submit a comment12.29.09 at 9:12 pm
Hillary 2012!
12.30.09 at 3:12 pm
Betcha Sarah Palin becomes so “I’m outta there” with the ark building, hunting and gathering…and she (with running mate Liz Cheney) runs against Hillary.