Heeb

Yesterday was International Holocaust Remembrance Day, a great opportunity for politicians to appeal, pander and, possibly, inspire. Haaretz reporter Gideon Levy called the day "a boom for Israeli propaganda," but that lefty’s never happy. Let’s see how the big guns did.

President Barack Obama: As usual, the silver-tongued master blows everyone else away. Just a day before his State of the Union address, Obama spoke via videotaped message at the Auschwitz-Birkenau State Museum. A typical Obama speech, he chilled them with eloquence ("Those brick buildings from which there was no escape—where so many Jews died with Sh’ma Israel on their lips") before uplifting them with hope ("A liberation of the spirit that, if embraced, can lead us all . . . to be among the righteous.") Damn! Us Jews do like a smooth talker. (That’s how he scored 80 percent of our vote.) Sadly, the president gets points deducted for name-dropping. He talks about hanging out with Ellie Wiesel and it sounds way too much like, "Did I mention my Jewish friend Ellie Wiesel? My dear, Jewish, Holocaust-surviving friend, Ellie?"

Grade: For anyone else, it would be an A, but Obama has to be graded on his own curve. And dropping Wiesel’s reminds me much too much of that racist Mormon kid with the "Jewish friend" on Saturday morning television. Remember him? B+

 

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu: Speaking at Yad Vashem, Netanyahu used the moment to link yesterday’s genocide to today’s threats. "There is evil that can spread, and it is threatening the security of the Jews," Netanyahu announced, "I hope the UN remembers . . . the right and responsibility of the international community to defend the existence of the Jewish state." No, he didn’t mention Iran by name, but, yeah, we all know.

Grade: He could have gone for sentiment, but that’s kind of hard when every inch of Yad Vashem is already an emotional knife in the heart. Besides, you gotta admire his tough, military approach. He had just a minute to tell the UN, Hey, don’t forget about us, dickheads, and he sure took it. Wouldn’t you? However, everyone, even Jews, gets points deducted for comparing the Holocaust to current-day events for political gain. That’s the rule. B-

 

Israeli President Shimon Peres: The first Israeli President to speak in Berlin on Holocaust Remembrance Day. Does that sound powerful and monumental or just disturbingly awkward to you? The Guardian reports that German Chancellor Angela Merkel greeted Peres with kisses before that old man broke those parliamentarians down with his personal story, including last words from his father and everything. Pretty damn moving. And because Israeli politicians can never afford to miss an opportunity, he also linked Tehran and the Nazis, reminding them all of "Germany’s moral duty." Translation: You fucking owe us forever, assholes. Never forget it.

Grade: At 86 years old, Peres can still be true to his personal story while politically maneuvering a bunch of krauts right where he wants them. Even better, it’s working: A-

Pope Benedict XVI: Head of the Catholic Church and former member of the Nazi youth, somehow found a way to mention the "unspeakable cruelty of the extermination camps" without bursting into flames. Even though Jew/Catholic relations were fairly smooth under the shockingly kinky John Paul II, things have been awkward under Benedict. Partly because of him being a member of the Hitler youth, partly because of the Holocaust-denying bishop he welcomed back (who’s back in the news and, yes, he’s still denying), partly because of Tridentine Mass thing, partly because he’s trying to elevate that Nazi Pope to sainthood, but mostly because all of it together makes him a giant penis.

Grade:  Fuck You. Yeah, that’s your actual grade, Ratzinger. You get a Fuck You-minus. Eat it.