Heeb

Julie Klausner admits it: She loves men. Loves them "like it is my job." She loves men so much she’s never been tempted to "take a break" from them, or "anything else lesbians suggest you do after a guy breaks your heart."  

With I Don’t Care About Your Band, Klausner shamelessly traces her romantic life, complete with all the sexual fumbles and emotional mistakes. Between boyfriends, breakups and more than a few one-nighters, she conceives a litter of sharp insights and one-liners that’ll crack up anyone (who’s ever dated).  

Klausner recently chatted with Heeb about her book, explained how her life is different now that she’s happily coupled, and even had some advice for Jewish guys on how to be sexy. (Hint: None of that Judd Apatow shit.)  

Describe your new book to me in twelve words or less.

It’s a hopefully funny collection of stories about horrible dating experiences I’ve had. That’s thirteen, so you can take out the "It’s." I just wanted to make a sentence.  

Are you worried about anyone’s reaction? Did you use real names? Is there, maybe, some revenge going on?

No to all three. I went through Penguin’s legal department and my own lawyer to make sure I protected the identity of everyone I wrote about. It really is a book about me more than anything else. I’m the one putting myself out there, using my own name and all of it. If somebody is going to look like an idiot, or get attacked, it’s me. And there’s no revenge going on, who am I, Alexis from Dynasty?  

Love that your childhood’s a part of the book. Whatever happened to Melissa Ackerman, "the Hebrew school alpha girl," and her friends? If you don’t know, feel free to make something up.

According to Facebook, plenty of the girls I went to Hebrew school with have since grown up and given birth to actual human babies. If only there were some sort of technology Facebook could come up with that would allow them to upload photos of those babies to their profiles! Maybe one day they will be able to do that, and also, one day it would be great if they could send a million emails to my old AOL address about helping Israel.

You’ve dated some strange dudes. Share your knowledge. Give our readers three warning signs that a guy’s no good. May I suggest buying my book if knowledge sharing is what you’re after?

The whole thing is basically about that, and also I make some jokes about dogs. And I recommend buying a copy of literally any women’s magazine for any sort of list of tips or signs or signals or what have yous that he’s not something, or that he’s something something your man something.  

So not a big fan of the Cosmo quiz, then? You like any women’s magazines?

Not since Sassy, I’m afraid. Unless Martha Stewart Living or Oprah’s magazine counts? I read Jezebel every day.

What books or CDs spotted in a date’s apartment are sure signs he’s not worth your time?

Any books that have been hollowed out to hide murder weapons are probably red flags.  

Flip that: What little bit of culture could let you know he’s special and deep?

Well, if you want something special and deep, I recommend Giordano’s Chicago stuffed pizza. If you want someone to come up with a list of books and movies that, in tandem, create a perfect person once they’re read and owned, I don’t know what to tell you besides maybe try playing The Sims? Is that what that game lets you do? I’ve never played it. No interest! But yeah, you can’t work backward from taste. That’s retarded.  

Any advice for our male readers? Besides becoming a guitar god, how else can a man stay, as you put it, “knee-deep in muff”?

I’m going to pretend I didn’t read that second part because it’s sort of based on the total opposite point of my book. As far as advice I’d have for men: Protect us from the parts of life that are shitty, or try to. Try thinking of women as people who are equal to you, but aren’t treated that way.  

And the Jewish man? Anything specific he can do?

Don’t emulate anyone from a Judd Apatow movie. Those guys are way more into weed and each other than woman who aren’t Leslie Mann. Go back to the 70s for Semitic idols like Elliot Gould and Dustin Hoffman. Those guys were so sexy, they stood their own next to Redford. And they also happened to have been adults.    

Now that you’re all settled down, how’s life different from your dating days?

I pretend to like less things now.  

By the way, you don’t discuss your boyfriend in the book, but is he Jewish?

No.

I Don’t Care About Your Band is on sale now. Click here for schedule of Klausner’s public appearances and book signings.