Crimes of Passion

Nearly two thousand years ago, a benevolent preacher was executed in Jerusalem. The event, framed as the apotheosis of mankind’s Lord and Savior, was summarily blamed on the Jews. But this fondly held belief seemed destined to fade forever after Pope Paul VI dashed it at Vatican II. That is, until a latter-day screen idol best known for playing crazy cops and post-apocalyptic bikers labored feverishly to re-create the narrative in awe-inspiring Dolby Surround. Moved by this man’s obvious commitment to truth, we here at Heeb, as descendants of those hook-nosed villains of yore, now present our own interpretation of those harrowing and controversial final hours. So sit back, ye filthy idolators, and enjoy the show.

A deep dive into the obscure Connecticut law that ensures you never get a pickle that "splats" – a law that was supposedly put in place after a series of arrests in 1948 for pickles being sold that were "unfit for human consumption".